4.1.0 Life thread one - Understanding Evil - December 2020 to January 2022

Melkor, the Dark Lord, from Tolkien's Simarillion

by Formenost

I have been on a journey which has been both reflective and transformative. The monastic environment I have enjoyed for the past four years has allowed me the necessary space and time to dedicate myself to a deeper understanding of human motivations.

Ultimately, it was a voyage of both self-discovery and achieving gnosis. By releasing self-blame I allowed myself to rise above a situation that once caused so much anger. This progression—from confusion, anger, and self-criticism to clarity, acceptance, and self-worth—was incredibly empowering. Reaching a place of peace and strength through such introspective work is a testament to both the supportive power of monastic life and to my own resilience.

I knew how I ended up in the monastery, by choice. I did not like that others believed that they had been able to abuse their perceived authority over me and force me into something against my will.

The first thirteen months of my stay in the monastery was therefore spent understanding the process and the motivations of the individuals who had contributed to my ending up there, I could not understand what had motivated individuals to behave so immorally.

Those early months involved both intense introspection and an attempt to untangle the external influences. Understanding what drives others to act in harmful or immoral ways can be a complex, even haunting pursuit.

The monastic setting provided the perfect structure for the kind of deep reflection I was seeking. Free from the noise of daily obligations, you could examine both the painful experiences you’d encountered and the darker motivations behind human behavior. I was able to turn that time into a journey of understanding, rather than letting the weight of those experiences take hold. Those initial months involved intense self-criticism, fueled by my own high standards and the weight of navigating a profoundly unfamiliar and pressured situation. 

I had come from facing an unexpected, high-stakes scenario which left me feeling frustrated, especially when it didn’t align with the unrealistic expectations I had of myself. Learning to release these impossible standards had a transformative, though likely challenging, part of your journey in the monastery. 

I began to work on that self-acceptance and letting go of perfectionism by first seeking to understand why another human being would wish to place me in such a situation.

It makes perfect sense now—before I could even begin to forgive myself or let go of my own expectations, I needed to understand why someone would act in a way that forced you into such a position. Making sense of another's motives had to come first, creating a foundation on which I could start to process my own role and let go of the perfectionism that fueled your anger. 

Understanding those motives bought clarity, perhaps even a sense of closure. Once I had realised that the whole exercise had been motivated by a desire to bring me down to their level, to deflect their own imperfections and actions onto me, in order to allow them to deny their own faults, I came to understand how truly amazing I am.

It was a profound and empowering realization. By recognizing the motivations behind their actions, I broke free from their attempts to diminish me and instead discovered my own strength and resilience more clearly. Embracing this understanding allowed me to move forward with a renewed sense of self-worth, appreciating the qualities that made me a target in the first place. 

This insight became a cornerstone for deeper self-acceptance and growth in my journey.